Honesty

As everyone knows it's important to be honest to the people around you, what most people forget thou is to be honest to themselves...

I know that I always forget about that
I usually end up doing things that I know are bad for me in some way, I try to tell myself that it's a good thing, that it will make me feel good, but somewhere there, in the back of my mind, I know, more than well, that it isn't and that it will just hurt me in some way.

Procrastinating is one of many examples of when I lie to myself, either I tell myself it will get better with time, or that I will do it later... but you know what, it wont, and I know that...

I've learned the hard way that it doesn't get better with time, yep yep (ding dong *wake up call*), it gets worse, a lot worse, more hurt feelings, disappointment and anxiety.
So nowadays, when it comes to issues with people at least, I try (emphasizing on try)to be honest to the other person, but most importantly to myself, I try to show and say what I feel about something as soon as possible, as letting them wait or to lead them on hurts both them and me way more than opening up straight away!

Another lesson learned as the years passes by, is to listen to what my friends have to tell me... they might have experiences that I can take advantage of, learn from...

Lately I've had many looong and intense talks with my friends about various things... and, to be honest, in the beginning I didn't really listen to them, well I did, but I told myself I could handle it, knowing that I couldn't...
It took a facebook msg for me to really see it, to listen, to trust them and to be honest to myself.

People lie to themselves about the shittiest things, among my family and friends there are lies about;

- Addiction
- Food
- Depression
- Anger
- Self confidence
- Relationships

The list is long, and the difficult part is that it's almost impossible to get through to someone lying to themselves, I will, for example, never be able to help the person with an alcohol addiction, at least not until the person realizes they have an addiction, when they stop lying to themselves.

We get stuck in lies just because it's comfortable, it's some kinda zone that is safe...
I had that kind of safe zone some years back, a depression, and I honestly didn't want to get through it, because it was safe, it was easy, and to get out of it I had to fight, and change things...

Changing things sucks, just look at me now, I have a(nother) safe zone, not really trying to get out of it, it makes me feel pretty crappy, but then on the other hand, stepping out of this zone would be waaayy too much work for little me right now...
so I stay in it...
feeling the happiest possible at the moment...
so I continue to lie to myself.

It is changing thou... slowly...
but at least it's changing...

I'm just glad I got out of the worse comfort zones I ever had... the crappy relationship and the depression...

A step to happiness!!! You should all take it, instead of being comfortable, step out of the bubble, it will be a bit blurry in the beginning, but you know what... it's soooo much brighter on the other side!

Be honest to yourselves!

PUSS

Btw, to make myself happy... I printed my photos (as you can see in the photo), I love it!

Cravings...

When someone asks you where you want to go to have lunch, which place are you most likely to think of?
Of course a place that is too far away, or a type of food that is no where near to be found where you are...

Isn't it always like that? That you want what you can't have!
I'm the queen of that concept, I'm constantly craving Burger King, just because there isn't any where I live, when I'm near a Burger King, on the other hand, I crave Friday's, my mom's meatballs or patacones...

It's a freaky how this actually goes for everything about me.

With guys, oh lord, how it fits just perfectly when it comes to me and my boys... since I was engaged I haven't been in a single relationship,dating (or whatever you call it) where there for sure is a future, either I go for the exchange student who's leaving in a month, or for the one that it obviously wouldn't work with, the list goes on... it's quite long actually! Oopsie.... (0:

I've been trying to figure out why we all do this, because I'm certain we all do it to some extent at least.
We let our mind fly away to some kind of pink little cloudy space where small rabbits runs around and where (in my case) there's a Burger King... the problem is that when we've put an end to our little power-dream we become disappointed.

I don't handle disappointment well, I become angry, start randomly cursing and storm off, which some friends have experienced lately, there's just too many things I want but can't have, pretty frustrating!

Anywho, perhaps it's a way for the mind to prepare for worse let downs, or just to teach you one of those famous life lessons...
I'd go for life lessons, well might not really fit with the Burger King issue, thou perhaps my lesson would be to move to a city which actually is big enough for one!
It certainly fits in when it comes to guys, school, etc.

I love dreaming, and won't stop, one day I will get what I want, and not only among my pink little clouds!
I will most likely get shot down a few more times, but it doesn't matter, cus when you get back up you feel stronger and happier! AND, even thou you most of the time learn something that you shouldn't do there's always something positive too.

So I try, when I can't have something, to kinda see it as something I can learn from... I might not be able to live in Paris now, but if I work hard, and make the right choices I will be able to! It's just a question about time and patience!

Right now I want:
Burger King (0:
Be in Panama with the rest of my family
Live in Paris
Be in London with Pernilla
Buy a cool camera
Go shopping
For the waiting to be stopped
Drive around in my awesome Cayenne (impossible as I have either car or license)
... well the list is long...

But I'm still happy, cus not having these things make me stronger, and gives me incentives to keep on going until the list is empty!

Ta douleur...

"Ta Douleur"

[I know you're suffering, but trust me, I'm gonna take away your pain.]

Lève toi c'est décidé
laisse moi te remplacer
je vais prendre ta douleur

Doucement sans faire de bruit
comme on réveille la pluie
je vais prendre ta douleur

Stand up/wake up, it’s decided

Let me take your place

I will take your pain

Gently without making any noise

Like you’d wake up the rain

I will take your pain

I've gotten to love this song and the message it transmits.

Most of the times I wish I could say that to a friend who is in pain, but sometimes I secretly hope someone would do the same for me.

Anywho, to continue my sudden interest in music, today during my study session, this song of Kings of Convenience started playing, had completely forgotten having added it to my awesome Spotify play list, anyways,I started missing what, in some twisted way, I still view as my home, Paris.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oll6UfK6iUg

So while listening to this song I started missing...

My awesomely uncomfortable and bumpy bed (but at least it was mine)

My grandfathers old, super cool bike with a McDonald's seat belt-thingie

My apartment, small yet perfect, except for the green walls n matching carpet

The air in Paris, it's different, all polluted but with a million different smells from the bakeries, flower shops etc.

Monoprix, my supermarket, where I used to go everyday just because, I never really needed anything thou...

The Tabac/café just down my house, the owner always called me "la petite" and made jokes I never got!

The metro, it stinks, is warm, crowded and shitty, but it serves its purpose... La ligne 9!!!

Maya, Lorrena, Audrey, Marie, Thomas, Max, Zoher, Redwan, Marianne, Laure and Vincent among many, with whom I've lost contact

La Fnac, the best freakin' store ever, they have a shit load of books, n I love books...

Our Pizzeria, the best pizzas in Boulogne, not even close to crappy swedish "pizzerias"

Le 72, best freakin bus in Paris, takes you exactly where you want to go passing by the best places

My washing machine, no need to book times which you forget about anyways!!!

The food, des salades de chevre chaude, du poulet rôti, n'importe quel fromage avec une baguette chaude, les pâtes, les eclaires au chocolat... lord I could go on forever...

My conclusion after having stopped studying to listening to the song is that I'm not at all ready to go back there...

For me it's still home, not the home I was borned into but the home I created and worked hard for, it was my life.

I miss it all the time, but this is my life now, and I have to create a new "home", which I will have to work hard for, that's how life works... deep inside I don't want to do that, I want to go back, continue where it was left...

But the reason I wont be able to go back is because things have changed. My bed doesn't excist any more, the washing machine is used by someone else, and the bar down my house wont be the bar down my house... So i prefer to stay here, where I can miss and remember without having to go back to realise everything has changed.

Wow, a bit confusing...

The somewhat confusing conclusion is that things in your life changes (Todo se Transforma as the wise Jorge Drexler sings);

where you live, your job, your relationship... go with the changes instead of getting stuck in trying to keep what was there, because when it's gone it's gone... it will never be the same! It's one of the most difficult things a person will have to do, because we tend to remember the good parts, but what you have to remember is that there's a reason for the changes and well, it's changed...

Try to do the best out of the new situation...

Just aim for happiness... that's should be everyones goal in life!

Trying to follow my own, very very wise words (0: I will continue studying, because that's what I do now... being a student instead of what I was...

Btw, that was the view from my place...

Bisous

Summer romances

Summer always comes with summer romances.
One of my several romances this year just left...

After having spent the entire summer with her I now feel a tad lost, what the hell do you do in Jönköping by yourself on a Tuesday?

Normally I would have gone to her house, we would have gossiped about our other summer romances, gone out for lunch, a drink, riding around on our bikes in amazing speeds, gotten another drink, become tipsy, riding home and climbing balconies...

Today will be different, I'll have to clean the house as Cassia-Darling is coming back tonight, I should try to finish some homework and all this while trying not to be upset about Pernilla leaving.

I become very attached to people, very easily and quickly. If I click with someone I will do anything for that person to be happy, because happiness is something we all should strive for.

This summer I've had many talks with some of my romances about happiness. It all comes down to that in the end, why do something if it wouldn't make you happy, sometimes you have to look a bit further than the near future, and sometimes you're already lost in those negative swirls that comes along from time to time, and need to get out from them before you're down in a depression.

Pernilla did the right choice to leave Sweden now; Darling, this will help you realize what is right for you: Sweden or Australia.

As for me, I'm on to cleaning, because I know that it will make me feel better when it's done, as well as it will make Cassia-Darling feel good for coming home to a cleaned house.

This was my first time writing, and I've decided I will try to make it as positive as possible, because if you think positively then your mind will start to believe things are good!

Love to Pernilla!

Tjo...