The art of fucking up...

It's actually more difficult than people imagine to fuck up...
I have a tendency of doing so fairly often to be honest, I know what is best for me, I know what not to do... or what to do, but I just, for some amazing reason, do the opposite!!

It's quit amazing when, after having fucked up, I think about it...

This time it's on a different level thou...

Gotta suck up the consequences... there's the hard way or the harder way... there's never an easy way out of fucking up...

Haven't really decided yet, we'll see how it goes... gotta go with the heart on this one... do know where it's at thou...

Anywho... had a bit of drama this morning when I realized dear Mr. Jack have been spreadin pretty false rumors about me n our break-up... that sucks... mostly for him thou... he'll learn with time that there's no purpose...

Cus as I said... certain things you just gotta suck them up, however difficult it is... stand for what is done n deal with the consequences in the best (most honest) way...

Today's photo will be one of Helena, Angelina and I... with, as always, an underlying message or purpose... wont tell you this time thou!

Classes

Moving on is difficult, forgetting or just living with yours and others decisions is even more difficult...

So today my classes in learning how to accept mine and others decisions started.
One very intense hour during which I went through most feelings, from happiness to sadness.
Had to answer some questions that made me think, still can't get them out of my head, couldn't answer them, still can't.

But then isn't that what the concept of classes and learning is about... perhaps after next weeks class I will be able to answer some parts of the questions, hopefully I will be able to answer the questions with more than "I don't know".

Hadn't been that honest in a while... felt pretty weird, but mostly sad...
thinking about all that shit again...

Isn't it amazing how the human mind suppresses certain information to the back of your brain, from where it's always on your mind without you actually realizing it, you hide the feelings coming from those memories with excuses, excuses to be angry, sad or you simply hide them by acting happy...

Because pretending to be happy is easier than showing your true feelings sometimes!

I've decided to be a good student thou... just need to get some other stuff of my mind in order to keep up with the new-old stuff! (0:

Anywho, to finish this one off, dealing with issues is difficult, like winning over your dad in arm wrestling... only possible if you get help!

This is for you... enjoy it, listen to it and remember me! (0:

A feeling...

It's like you're choking
A chest pain
Heavy, like a ton of stone on your chest
You can't catch your breath
You try, but It wont happen

The heart beats so hard, but not in it's normal rhythm, it's more like a regular

boom, boom, boom..

You can feel it all through your body,
There's tension, you can't relax
Everything scares you, even the slightest noise makes you jump, cus you are frighten to death... even thou you don't know why!

Boom, boom, boom...

Concentrating is impossible, the weight is too heavy and the heart beats too loud
You try to concentrate on other things, but your mind slips back, back into the darkness, into what you can't explain

Boom, Boom, Boom...

The memories makes you want to cry
but you can't... cus you concentrate on breating, on smiling, on giving them what they expect; a smile, being funny, acting stupid or listening to their stories...

But all you want to do is go away... just disappear..

It's heavy
It's constant
It's something I wish for no one else to ever experience
It's anxiety


... for some they work, for me they didn't...

I try to smile n laugh, as on the photo... it's mostly a way to try to convince my brain I'm happy...

Boom, Boom, Boom...

Hopefully that works