flashbacks...

I want to forget...

I can't forget

Everywhere there's something that remind me of what was there, of what could have been...

Why?

Why was this decided to be the best option?

Can I change my mind? Because I think I don't agree

Why didn't I just stand for what I thought and believed in?

Maybe it felt like the right choice at that point in time, but I'm certain nothing would have been regretted a year or 2 from now

Can I just please have another shot at this?

Because I'm sure I would do the right thing this time

I put the blame on you which in the end comes back to me...
- But I would have been ok with hating you, thou now I have to live with hating myself...

Maybe just one more shot?

Because if this would have been the right choice I wouldn't have troubles sleeping, I wouldn't need help to sleep, to get through the days, I wouldn't feel so lost, empty

So I know it was wrong, isn't that good enough to get a new chance? If I understood?

I still can't believe it thou, and when I realize what I did I'm ashamed of myself, and of you... you should have known better

I close my eyes and I can see it, it's there... every single time, to remind me

The feeling will always be there, but you don't know what I'm talking about, because it wasn't necessary

Every day I think about how things could have been, what it would be like

Maybe if we just go back in time for a while... I promise to do it right this time



Can you forget?

Do you want to forget?

I think I do but then I realize I want to remember, it would be even more shameful if I forgot... inhuman... cold... scary

but if we remember can we remember together, because I would like that I think

I want to move on, but I don't know how hard it will be, maybe too hard

How do you move on?

- The first song was played on my very much beloved aunties funeral.
It's a very beautiful song called - "I borrowed an angel"

Living in English in Sweden...

In August last year I moved back to Sweden after having been abroad for 6 years more or less.

While living in France I dreamed, thought in and spoke french most of the time.
While in London I spoke, thought in and dreamed in English.
Now that I'm back in Sweden I still do all that in English. Or actually it depends a little bit on what I'm thinking about:
When I think about my mom or something related to my old life in Sweden I think in Swedish.
Everyday stuff: English
Anything remotely related to France: French
*Which makes my brain incredibly confused when I see that picture, it is in Paris but with my sister with whom I speak English*
I've noticed that if I wouldn't be working I wouldn't be using my Swedish except for maybe giving directions or in a store.

It's rather weird how non-Swedish I feel, and after a fika with some of my closest friends today I was reminded that I'm not considered a swede by any of them.

Our discussions are quite funny actually. We will sit there, talk about life, which at the moment is in Sweden and we will be talking about Sweden or Swedish people as if thou I'm not Swedish, and when I realize we are insulting me they reassure me by saying that I'm not Swedish. And we will go throu this almost every time we meet up.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Sweden, it's a very nice country, social benefits, equality, rather safe.
I just don't like how Swedish people act, with strangers as well as with friends.
We don't get along the swedes and I, they're not too fond of me as I'm not awesomely impressed by them.
Of course I'm not talking about all Swedish people, I'm talking about the stereotype, which would be what the majority of the population consist of.

It's difficult to explain to someone who doesn't know them, about as difficult as it is to explain it to them!
Close-minded, racists(or to be correct: smyg-rasister)because of course "we" don't want to offend anyone!!
Try to become friends with a swede (now I'm talking about how it is in Uni) without involving alcohol, IMPOSSIBLE!!aahhhrrrgghhh!!! Annoying...

Anywho... haha... I just need to be bitter about something!

Found a song that is scarily accurate with my life



I know it is in Swedish, ironic! haha...
For you who don't understand she sings about how she's 26 (I'm almost there), living in a second-hand (maybe that doesn't work in English)rented flat, how she's got nothing to do, no fun, no friends, a smoker etc. etc.
Well, maybe doesn't fit in THAT well, but sometimes it feels as if thou it's perfect!
You can always google translate the lyrics if you feel like it, cus I wont translate all that!

Tomorrow will be a long long day... classes start at 9, got a break between 12-13 when I'm meeting up with some ppl, got another class at 13 and a class again at 15 til 17... then I've got an hour between work, gotta try to fit a fika there too!! haha.. and on top of that we've got a homework for Wednesday as well as an exam in a week or two!

Well... bitching is over for today, needed to get some things out! (0:

PUSS på er!

La voix grave

Yesterday I worked, and while walking around looking busy, serving people that already have taken in a bit too much alcohol and enjoying the music in Sliver I was thinking about how great some of my friends are.

This week I realized how much I really appreciate them.

The few that were updated on my health problems were there when I really needed them, and are still there when it's though, because it always will be.
The ones that didn't know are amazing at making me forget, if only a few minutes, those minutes are awesome for me!

People need people. Very easy, now it becomes a bit more complicated when you feel depressed.
When you are depressed or down you push people away, even your closest friends, in order to sit and feel sorry for yourself

(don't get upset, I've been depressed, I know what I'm talking about, and you do feel sorry for yourself)

And as you sit there alone and feel that you have the worst situation ever and that no one understands you, your friends live their lives, and if you don't let them in yours they will move on.
It's as easy as that, sad and horrible but true.
Anywho I bring this up because it happened to me a few years back and because of this I made sure not to go down that road again. I made sure not to go "down", because when you are there, and have isolated yourself from everyone you can't get back up by yourself.
And that's when you realize your options are pretty sucky:

well I will not go into that today, it's pretty though shit!

SO! I know I'm not the best person to keep in touch with everyone and meeting up. But that doesn't mean that I don't care, and I try to show that when we do meet up.

Love u all!

PUSS



(Of course I mean more friends than the ones on the pictures, it would just take a lot of space!)

... so the story goes

I love feeling completely relaxed after a good few days of studying.

It feels very good to be back in the real world.
Been studying and fixing with papers and the accreditation of classes for my exchange the whole week.
So administrative papers, one assignment and a homework later I feel extremely satisfied, of course it could have been done in another way and most likely better, but I did the best out of the situation I was in and hopefully it pays off!!

Had a very productive day otherwise.
I finally got my little pink cheeks to the hairdresser to get my hair done - oh lord, it was really starting to look horrible!
Figured out and corrected the assignment
Met a lot of friends, with whom I enjoyed the sweet concept of after-work!
Went shopping... ahah... life life...



Only less awesome part of the day was the hour or so in between the hairdresser and the project deadline... it was weird...
I hate when things change, as you might know if you've been sneaking around here before, and I especially hate when good things change into bad for, according to me, a not very thought-through reason, or maybe it is, who am I to juge!?

Anywho... I liked it before, it was nice, made me incredibly happy and I was always looking forward to it...
today it was just like...
ähhhh...
even considered canceling cus I don't like doing things I don't have to do that don't make me feel better...
but I've missed it or, I miss it... so I went... and I will try to do it again and again until my brain accepts it's "over".
Cus even thou I thought it was the perfect situation it might not have been, because, again who am I to decide?!
Just because something is good for me or because I enjoy it, does not mean it is the optimal option for, for example you.

Oh well... You can't always have everything the way you want it right!

And when I think about it, and this is the worse part...

I'm like that too!!!

Twice the work load and a little bit more!

University in Sweden isn't too demanding.
Up til now we've had only a few lectures a week, so most of the time is free, given to you by the school in order for you to study by yourself.

We're supposed to study 8h per day...and the days we have classes? Well, those hours are of course included in the 8h of studying required.
I don't think I know a single person here in Jönköping, or studying in Sweden for that matter, that studies that much.
Most of the people I know don't even go to all the lectures as they are not compulsory.

In the beginning of each quarter, when we start with new classes, I think most students decide that it is necessary to change; instead of sitting 24/7 the week before the exams, maybe it would be smarter to actually study a bit everyday!
But we never do, or perhaps we keep it up for about a week... to brag a bit I did keep it up for a while last quarter, I was up to date in every single class at one point!!
And I'm incredibly proud about that!

I'm writing about this as we today started a new quarter, and as always I'm making plans in my head I know I wont keep.
But at least I ordered my course books, and studied for about an hour in total... which does not include the 2h30 lecture we had today (making a total of 3h30, not bad!!!).

On the other hand I spent 2h eating waffles with Maz and Yulia, had dinner with Cassia, Carlos and Justus for about an hour (adding my eating time up to about the same amount of time I studied)...
Pretty sad yet a very good example of the life of an average student in Jönköping!

Anywho, got 5 exams this quarter (the normal is 2) so I need to get serious, otherwise I wont be able to go abroad in my second exchange semester, and god forbid I will have to stay in this sad sad sad city anymore than required by the school (5 months in spring 2011).
I've got 5 exams as I'm taking an extra class and well, two re-exams... taking into consideration that I'm taking 3 classes and that all three of them have a lot of lectures my schedule is gonna be pretty shitty. BUT it's only for another 3½ months and then...
I'M GONE! OFF... AWAY... *Même si j'aurais préférée rester avec toi guapo*

to a warmer freakin' country, to save money and to learn a lot of new things... mostly about life, but a bit about business administration, economics and spanish too! haha

Off to bed now!

Des gros bisous a tous!

Productiveness

Today was an awesome day!
Actually managed to get things done; got my whole application form for Turkey filled out, also handed in the scholarship application, listened to one lecture and a half of ethics. Nice nice!

Gotta get to bed now thou... found this in a friends note on fb, it's pretty accurate so i felt it should be shared! The music suits the mood pretty well so, listen and read!!!



When a girl bumps into your arm
while walking she wants
you to hold her hand

When she wants a hug
she will just stand there

When u break a girls heart,
she still feels it when
u run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her
mind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
questions,
she is wondering how long you will be
around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a
few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so
wonderful

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live
without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can miss you more
than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup
she wants you back, but she's
scared she'll get hurt and knows
you're gone forever or just for the time being

Besos and bisous!

Sweet like candy to my soul!

If you could be anyone else in the world who would it be?

A question most people have been asked many times. Every time someone asks me this question I try to come up with someone who seemed to have an exciting life but yet is very down to earth.
Considering the fact that we usually try to come up with a celebrity or someone who did something that impressed us, we usually don't really know them, or we don't know them at all to be honest.

So during my walk today, which btw was awesome: the weather here in Jönköping has been amazing, I was trying to think about who I would have liked to be if I wasn't myself... and I came to the very simple conclusion that I only want to be myself!

Don't get me wrong, it would have been awesome being born to a rich family in some exotic country, but when you think about it...

Sweden was a great country to grow up in.
At least back in the day when I was young Sweden was safe, I don't think I ever was scared about anything seriously worse than a ghost growing up...
well to be honest once I became incredibly scared that the fires in Australia would spread and come burn my house down, but then my grams' showed me it was an island... I felt much safer then!

And the biggest problem as a teenager in Västerås was how to get a hold of alcohol, we all had the money to get alcohol as the government actually pays us to go to school, but if you didn't have an older sibling or a could steal some from your parents alcohol was almost impossible to get.

From Västerås I went to Paris, going from living in a 130 000 ppl city to a city with more habitants than Sweden was pretty impressive...
I learned the language, the culture, went to uni, worked, got friends, a boyfriend... Moving to another country is awesome, and to have been given to possibility to move to Paris with my dad was amazing.
You get a whole new perspective on life when you see and live in another culture.

However awesome Paris was I ended up in Sweden again... pretty much a grey zone. Don't remember much, and then I was moved to London.

London vs. Paris... I think it depends on which city you've been in for the longest time first. I love Paris and don't think London is even comparable to its awesomeness!!
Anywho, London thought me so many things too. I wouldn't change that time for anything in the world. I met some incredible people, some less incredible people, but as all people that you encounter in your life, whether you like it or not, they teach you something.

So when you think about it... I've lived in some pretty amazing places. But I have to say that the place that so far has made the most impact on my personality is Jönköping.

Here I accepted that I'd have to move on, I emotionally moved on and would even go so far as saying that I've lately realized I'm over it. I will never forget or forgive... but I'm not bitter anymore, which if you are aware of what I'm talking about is HUGE!
Jönköping is also where I've learned how life in Sweden really is. Growing up you don't really realize how society works, and well, as I moved when I was 18 I never really learned how things work here.
For example: How the hell do you pay a bill in Sweden!?
or When you are moving out from your flat which contracts you have to cancel. (Had to learn that one the hard way, with an electricity bill of £200, electricity I'd never used)

It also made me realize that I do not fit in here. I've become too much of a non-swede to ever really be able to melt into society here! Which is fine with me!

Anywho another place that had an enormous impact on me is Panama. I will not start on that one though, it would take forever... maybe another day!

So... summing all these factors up I realized... I wouldn't want to be anyone but myself.
Because I would never have learned what I know today, I wouldn't know that you need to cancel the electricity when you move out from a flat in Sweden while when you move in you do not have to do anything, the bill just turns up!

Everything that has happened to me, both good and bad, has shaped me into the person that I am today, and while some people would call me bitchy, rude, cold or stupid I know that I'm not, and most importantly my friends know I'm not.

Question is how Turkey will change me... hopefully I will continue to improve... maybe I will start listening to myself and learn from my mistakes!

Now on to laundry and then I'm gonna go pick up Carlos at the station, he's coming back from Denmark.
And tomorrow... I'll start making the improvements on myself and my life that I wanted to do.

Puss and kisses a todos!

Amazingly awesome...

I just got back from an awesome two hour walk
Jack, Dave, Carla, Camille and the rest of the guys accompanied me the whole way...

Last night when I, as habit has it now, couldn't sleep I transferred some music to my phone, haven't had music "on the go" available for a while, for the simple reason that the equipment was lost and I've been too lazy to get new stuff!

Anywho, I've missed music. Usually I always listen to music, and after having rediscovered it I do not understand why I stopped!?!

Each song has a specific memory attached to it, all good, amazing actually... But I have to admit that the impact of some of the songs was pretty intense.

Re:Stacks with Bon Iver just took me right back to my room, January, snow, friends and Mr. Jack. Made me remember what an awesome time we used to have doing nothing. As Carlos reminded me about the other day, I was so happy back then.

This summer me and my summer romances listened a lot to the Kings of Leon, and while Closer reminds me of both of them, Use Somebody reminds me only of Pernilla, Knocked Up featuring Lykke Li reminds me of the other romance, as the person always listened to it.
I've been telling people that I was bored this summer and maybe it wasn't the most exciting summer - travel wise, but when it comes to good company and adventures it was amazing, at least to a start, and maybe that's why, while Use Somebody and Knocked Up made me smile, Closer made me remember the last part... which was a tad messy - People leaving and disappearing!

While listening to the amazing Dave Matthews Band I couldn't stop thinking about Pollo - Mi amor de toujours!
I still remember when he sent me Two Step on MSN, he said I had to listen to it because they say my name in it! It was back in -02 or -03.
Made me realize how much I miss him... we used to talk all the time, but as I'm more or less hiding on MSN we hardly ever do it anymore! Something that I from monday and onwards will try to change!

The of course, good old Jack! Awww... Panama, January 2007, Nicole's beach house... Carla, Bettina, Nicole and LG... god I miss it, and I miss them. Friends... I really need to get better at keeping in touch with the ones I truly care about!

Conclusion to this babbling is that I'm in love with music... it makes me dream about what could have been and makes me remember the good and awesome moments I've had!

Anywho... Also brought my camera with me today.
One day I will stop shopping clothes and save up to buy a real freakin camera!
God, it was good being out and looking around the way you do when you have your camera with you, the smallest things become so clear and the most boring things interesting.
Sadly I ran out of battery when I got to the good part of the walk, so the majority of the time I just tried to make myself remember things I want to go back to with my camera.

Now I'm gonna keep on dreaming for a while before having to change my darlings to an old american fu*k - I'm listening to all the ethics lectures I missed! Not the most interesting thing to do on a saturday night but since I've been sick I didn't feel well enough to go back to serving drunk ppl and I do not feel like partying!

Also it keeps me from remembering the unforgettable, if that is possible, at least it takes my mind of it for a while...

Puss and Besos everyone

Il y a quelqu'un qui m'a dit...

...que tu m'aimes encore!

Fabulous song by Mme Sarkozy, Carla Bruni.

Lately I've realized I was madly and deeply in love with someone, but because of my actions it is over, and will never be possible.
Feels weird to have been so so close to someone, share all those moments with them... and now it's no longer possible. It's not there... gone.

I didn't want it to go, but as always, you realize how you really feel about something or someone when it's gone.

Because of my awesome little unexpected crush I've fallen behind in school, been away and upset, but it would have been worth it.

I'm a huge fan of explanations, I like it when things are explained to me in order for me to be able to understand and work through them.
But this time I have no explanation... it's bizarre how life works sometimes.

How do you get over someone without a break-up or any type of ending with an explanation!? How do you get through or over someone when all of a sudden the situation changes and you don't understand?

I never wanted to fall in love, I thought I wouldn't, I was actually sure I was stronger than that.
Now reality has hit me, hard, in the face once again, haha... should be used to it by now.

Oh well, now there's nothing else to do than to accept the situation and move on. I will never forget, but as time passes it will get easier.

So on Monday I will start doing something with my life again... making phone calls, getting my hair done, handing in papers etc.
I was kinda hoping for the situation to go back to how it was before everything happened, but it seems as if though that isn't possible either, people playing hard to get and situations have changed )0:
But soon it's over... off to a new country, new people and a new environment.

I really need it!

*jamais je t'oublirais*

PUSS and Bisous a tous!