The worse part..

There are good parts with living "an international" life... but there are awful ones too
The worse one is the good bye's

4 Months ago 

For me the good bye's have started... they really started in June when I left Jönköping, but this time it is more real...
This time I am not saying good bye to go "home"... but saying good bye leaving home - going no where safe.

One of the worse good bye's are going to be tomorrow... Vincent.
It will not only be difficult for the obvious reason that I will miss him, and wont see him for a year or so... but mostly because when I come back he will not know who I am.
I love this boy more than anything in the world, and the fact that we will not have a relationship is devastating - being a stranger when I come back will be difficult to handle. I would love to see him grow up, I have enjoyed the past months so much, seeing him develop - becoming a tiny person. To leave - it breaks my heart.
I cannot imagine how it will feel to say bye to him tomorrow - probably as if though I am saying bye for the last time - which I know I am not, but it will be out of control.
I will see him on Skype, sure... but babies do not work like that, Skype doesn't matter to him, not more than the ring tone, which is fun - the image is nothing.
But I will come back to see him again - mitt lilla busfrö - min älskling... and then I will stay.
I will be back soon... not that it matters to him, he's too small to understand ):

I wish there was a solution, that there would be a reason for me to stay here - sadly Vincent isn't reason enough, although I wish he was.
I find reasons every day not to go, but out of respect I will be - if the respect is mutual.

today

Today I was in Stockholm... Said good bye to Maz, who was a really good friend of mine in Jönköping. I hadn't seen him for a year and a half, so it was a weird feeling - hi and bye.
I hope I will see him again, but one can never be sure about the future.
Maz and I would talk about everything, and he is one of the few people who knows the "real" me.
I will miss him a lot... as I miss all my friends.

Tonight it will be difficult to fall asleep - a lot of thoughts going around in my mind, and a lot of tears will be shed.

Can I hide underneath my bed and come out on Thursday?!
Please?