Lately I've realized I was madly and deeply in love with someone, but because of my actions it is over, and will never be possible. Feels weird to have been so so close to someone, share all those moments with them... and now it's no longer possible. It's not there... gone.
I didn't want it to go, but as always, you realize how you really feel about something or someone when it's gone.
Because of my awesome little unexpected crush I've fallen behind in school, been away and upset, but it would have been worth it.
I'm a huge fan of explanations, I like it when things are explained to me in order for me to be able to understand and work through them. But this time I have no explanation... it's bizarre how life works sometimes.
How do you get over someone without a break-up or any type of ending with an explanation!? How do you get through or over someone when all of a sudden the situation changes and you don't understand?
I never wanted to fall in love, I thought I wouldn't, I was actually sure I was stronger than that. Now reality has hit me, hard, in the face once again, haha... should be used to it by now.
Oh well, now there's nothing else to do than to accept the situation and move on. I will never forget, but as time passes it will get easier.
So on Monday I will start doing something with my life again... making phone calls, getting my hair done, handing in papers etc. I was kinda hoping for the situation to go back to how it was before everything happened, but it seems as if though that isn't possible either, people playing hard to get and situations have changed )0: But soon it's over... off to a new country, new people and a new environment.
It's actually more difficult than people imagine to fuck up... I have a tendency of doing so fairly often to be honest, I know what is best for me, I know what not to do... or what to do, but I just, for some amazing reason, do the opposite!!
It's quit amazing when, after having fucked up, I think about it...
This time it's on a different level thou...
Gotta suck up the consequences... there's the hard way or the harder way... there's never an easy way out of fucking up...
Haven't really decided yet, we'll see how it goes... gotta go with the heart on this one... do know where it's at thou...
Anywho... had a bit of drama this morning when I realized dear Mr. Jack have been spreadin pretty false rumors about me n our break-up... that sucks... mostly for him thou... he'll learn with time that there's no purpose...
Cus as I said... certain things you just gotta suck them up, however difficult it is... stand for what is done n deal with the consequences in the best (most honest) way...
Today's photo will be one of Helena, Angelina and I... with, as always, an underlying message or purpose... wont tell you this time thou!
Moving on is difficult, forgetting or just living with yours and others decisions is even more difficult...
So today my classes in learning how to accept mine and others decisions started. One very intense hour during which I went through most feelings, from happiness to sadness. Had to answer some questions that made me think, still can't get them out of my head, couldn't answer them, still can't.
But then isn't that what the concept of classes and learning is about... perhaps after next weeks class I will be able to answer some parts of the questions, hopefully I will be able to answer the questions with more than "I don't know".
Hadn't been that honest in a while... felt pretty weird, but mostly sad... thinking about all that shit again...
Isn't it amazing how the human mind suppresses certain information to the back of your brain, from where it's always on your mind without you actually realizing it, you hide the feelings coming from those memories with excuses, excuses to be angry, sad or you simply hide them by acting happy... Because pretending to be happy is easier than showing your true feelings sometimes!
I've decided to be a good student thou... just need to get some other stuff of my mind in order to keep up with the new-old stuff! (0:
Anywho, to finish this one off, dealing with issues is difficult, like winning over your dad in arm wrestling... only possible if you get help!
This is for you... enjoy it, listen to it and remember me! (0:
It's like you're choking A chest pain Heavy, like a ton of stone on your chest You can't catch your breath You try, but It wont happen
The heart beats so hard, but not in it's normal rhythm, it's more like a regular boom, boom, boom..
You can feel it all through your body, There's tension, you can't relax Everything scares you, even the slightest noise makes you jump, cus you are frighten to death... even thou you don't know why!
Boom, boom, boom...
Concentrating is impossible, the weight is too heavy and the heart beats too loud You try to concentrate on other things, but your mind slips back, back into the darkness, into what you can't explain Boom, Boom, Boom...
The memories makes you want to cry but you can't... cus you concentrate on breating, on smiling, on giving them what they expect; a smile, being funny, acting stupid or listening to their stories...
But all you want to do is go away... just disappear..
It's heavy It's constant It's something I wish for no one else to ever experience It's anxiety
... for some they work, for me they didn't...
I try to smile n laugh, as on the photo... it's mostly a way to try to convince my brain I'm happy...
As everyone knows it's important to be honest to the people around you, what most people forget thou is to be honest to themselves...
I know that I always forget about that I usually end up doing things that I know are bad for me in some way, I try to tell myself that it's a good thing, that it will make me feel good, but somewhere there, in the back of my mind, I know, more than well, that it isn't and that it will just hurt me in some way.
Procrastinating is one of many examples of when I lie to myself, either I tell myself it will get better with time, or that I will do it later... but you know what, it wont, and I know that...
I've learned the hard way that it doesn't get better with time, yep yep (ding dong *wake up call*), it gets worse, a lot worse, more hurt feelings, disappointment and anxiety. So nowadays, when it comes to issues with people at least, I try (emphasizing on try)to be honest to the other person, but most importantly to myself, I try to show and say what I feel about something as soon as possible, as letting them wait or to lead them on hurts both them and me way more than opening up straight away!
Another lesson learned as the years passes by, is to listen to what my friends have to tell me... they might have experiences that I can take advantage of, learn from...
Lately I've had many looong and intense talks with my friends about various things... and, to be honest, in the beginning I didn't really listen to them, well I did, but I told myself I could handle it, knowing that I couldn't... It took a facebook msg for me to really see it, to listen, to trust them and to be honest to myself.
People lie to themselves about the shittiest things, among my family and friends there are lies about;
The list is long, and the difficult part is that it's almost impossible to get through to someone lying to themselves, I will, for example, never be able to help the person with an alcohol addiction, at least not until the person realizes they have an addiction, when they stop lying to themselves.
We get stuck in lies just because it's comfortable, it's some kinda zone that is safe... I had that kind of safe zone some years back, a depression, and I honestly didn't want to get through it, because it was safe, it was easy, and to get out of it I had to fight, and change things...
Changing things sucks, just look at me now, I have a(nother) safe zone, not really trying to get out of it, it makes me feel pretty crappy, but then on the other hand, stepping out of this zone would be waaayy too much work for little me right now... so I stay in it... feeling the happiest possible at the moment... so I continue to lie to myself.
It is changing thou... slowly... but at least it's changing...
I'm just glad I got out of the worse comfort zones I ever had... the crappy relationship and the depression...
A step to happiness!!! You should all take it, instead of being comfortable, step out of the bubble, it will be a bit blurry in the beginning, but you know what... it's soooo much brighter on the other side!
Be honest to yourselves!
PUSS
Btw, to make myself happy... I printed my photos (as you can see in the photo), I love it!
When someone asks you where you want to go to have lunch, which place are you most likely to think of? Of course a place that is too far away, or a type of food that is no where near to be found where you are...
Isn't it always like that? That you want what you can't have! I'm the queen of that concept, I'm constantly craving Burger King, just because there isn't any where I live, when I'm near a Burger King, on the other hand, I crave Friday's, my mom's meatballs or patacones...
It's a freaky how this actually goes for everything about me.
With guys, oh lord, how it fits just perfectly when it comes to me and my boys... since I was engaged I haven't been in a single relationship,dating (or whatever you call it) where there for sure is a future, either I go for the exchange student who's leaving in a month, or for the one that it obviously wouldn't work with, the list goes on... it's quite long actually! Oopsie.... (0:
I've been trying to figure out why we all do this, because I'm certain we all do it to some extent at least. We let our mind fly away to some kind of pink little cloudy space where small rabbits runs around and where (in my case) there's a Burger King... the problem is that when we've put an end to our little power-dream we become disappointed.
I don't handle disappointment well, I become angry, start randomly cursing and storm off, which some friends have experienced lately, there's just too many things I want but can't have, pretty frustrating!
Anywho, perhaps it's a way for the mind to prepare for worse let downs, or just to teach you one of those famous life lessons... I'd go for life lessons, well might not really fit with the Burger King issue, thou perhaps my lesson would be to move to a city which actually is big enough for one! It certainly fits in when it comes to guys, school, etc.
I love dreaming, and won't stop, one day I will get what I want, and not only among my pink little clouds! I will most likely get shot down a few more times, but it doesn't matter, cus when you get back up you feel stronger and happier! AND, even thou you most of the time learn something that you shouldn't do there's always something positive too.
So I try, when I can't have something, to kinda see it as something I can learn from... I might not be able to live in Paris now, but if I work hard, and make the right choices I will be able to! It's just a question about time and patience!
Right now I want: Burger King (0: Be in Panama with the rest of my family Live in Paris Be in London with Pernilla Buy a cool camera Go shopping For the waiting to be stopped Drive around in my awesome Cayenne (impossible as I have either car or license) ... well the list is long...
But I'm still happy, cus not having these things make me stronger, and gives me incentives to keep on going until the list is empty!
[I know you're suffering, but trust me, I'm gonna take away your pain.]
Lève toi c'est décidé
laisse moi te remplacer
je vais prendre ta douleur
Doucement sans faire de bruit
comme on réveille la pluie
je vais prendre ta douleur
Stand up/wake up, it’s decided
Let me take your place
I will take your pain
Gently without making any noise
Like you’d wake up the rain
I will take your pain
I've gotten to love this song and the message it transmits.
Most of the times I wish I could say that to a friend who is in pain, but sometimes I secretly hope someone would do the same for me.
Anywho, to continue my sudden interest in music, today during my study session, this song of Kings of Convenience started playing, had completely forgotten having added it to my awesome Spotify play list, anyways,I started missing what, in some twisted way, I still view as my home, Paris.
So while listening to this song I started missing...
My awesomely uncomfortable and bumpy bed (but at least it was mine)
My grandfathers old, super cool bike with a McDonald's seat belt-thingie
My apartment, small yet perfect, except for the green walls n matching carpet
The air in Paris, it's different, all polluted but with a million different smells from the bakeries, flower shops etc.
Monoprix, my supermarket, where I used to go everyday just because, I never really needed anything thou...
The Tabac/café just down my house, the owner always called me "la petite" and made jokes I never got!
The metro, it stinks, is warm, crowded and shitty, but it serves its purpose... La ligne 9!!!
Maya, Lorrena, Audrey, Marie, Thomas, Max, Zoher, Redwan, Marianne, Laure and Vincent among many, with whom I've lost contact
La Fnac, the best freakin' store ever, they have a shit load of books, n I love books...
Our Pizzeria, the best pizzas in Boulogne, not even close to crappy swedish "pizzerias"
Le 72, best freakin bus in Paris, takes you exactly where you want to go passing by the best places
My washing machine, no need to book times which you forget about anyways!!!
The food, des salades de chevre chaude, du poulet rôti, n'importe quel fromage avec une baguette chaude, les pâtes, les eclaires au chocolat... lord I could go on forever...
My conclusion after having stopped studying to listening to the song is that I'm not at all ready to go back there...
For me it's still home, not the home I was borned into but the home I created and worked hard for, it was my life.
I miss it all the time, but this is my life now, and I have to create a new "home", which I will have to work hard for, that's how life works... deep inside I don't want to do that, I want to go back, continue where it was left...
But the reason I wont be able to go back is because things have changed. My bed doesn't excist any more, the washing machine is used by someone else, and the bar down my house wont be the bar down my house... So i prefer to stay here, where I can miss and remember without having to go back to realise everything has changed.
Wow, a bit confusing...
The somewhat confusing conclusion is that things in your life changes (Todo se Transforma as the wise Jorge Drexler sings);
where you live, your job, your relationship... go with the changes instead of getting stuck in trying to keep what was there, because when it's gone it's gone... it will never be the same! It's one of the most difficult things a person will have to do, because we tend to remember the good parts, but what you have to remember is that there's a reason for the changes and well, it's changed...
Try to do the best out of the new situation...
Just aim for happiness... that's should be everyones goal in life!
Trying to follow my own, very very wise words (0: I will continue studying, because that's what I do now... being a student instead of what I was...
