Tu serai pas un cochon toi?

Oh sweet mother of Jesus

Being sick doesn't really suit me
I don't become cute or look vulnerable
Today I tried going to school, correction, I went to school
HUGE mistake
Must have scared the shit out of half of my poor fellow students

Red extremely teary eyes, extremely "fashionable" hairdo, pale and with a voice that even would scare the husband of any of those 60 year old ladies with a "smoking voice"

But I managed to finish the Micro assignment on time, as well as starting with some other things, I even went to class...
But from there it goes down

My friends decided to go against me and openly, with loud voices, told me I look like someone with the swine flu and that I shouldn't be in school

Since I felt the social responsibility of not spreading this horrible decease on my shoulders (as Jan-Olov would say) I went to the vårdcentral

First of all I got lost in there, yeah I know, not the most complicated building, you go either to the first or second floor...
maybe it was the fever, but I didn't recognize any floor, so I waited in the middle...

suddenly a doctor came and saved me, showed me to the right floor and told me to take a number and sit down
(because in Sweden, we will fight deceases, crime... well anything with number tags!!!)

There was no one else in the waiting room, 5 nurses in the reception so I figured it wouldn't take too long... well my ass yeah...
when finally they called me back, because the first time was only in order to make you believe you will get help, (she actually only told me I look like shit and asked me to sit down again)

Once again I am told I look like shit, have gotten used to it by now, probably heard it 20 times today, and the lady asks me if I've got a fever, well I don't know if I have a fever since I don't have the thing to take the temperature, but I told her I assume I do, which she decided to agree on, because checking it would have been too much to ask right?!?!

Anywho,we quickly came to the conclusion that it's either the swine flu or a really really bad cold (genius right!?) and that the only thing to do is to stay at home, drink water and take different kinds of pain killers!


Isn't it too cute!?? I wouldn't mind being a baby piglet, hopefully someone would hug me then at least!

All this took me an hour, even thou I was the only person in the waiting room and they didn't actually do anything but ask me a couple of questions... effectiveness at its greatest!

So here I am, at home, drinking a soda based on water and after having taken one pill my fever went down (it's back up again thou, but still)...
Swedish doctors are the shit!

(0:

Mon nez

I've done some spring cleaning (perhaps it should be called fall cleaning) on my phone and in my head this weekend.

Was awesome having Sean here.
Not only was it great seeing him again and seeing him so fucking drunk he couldn't even walk home, but also he helped me realize that I had to do some changes.
Or to be honest, recent happenings and one comment of his made me realize that things had to change.

We were talking about dishonest people and it ended up with him asking me when I would get myself a nice boy that treats me well instead of all these idiots I tend to go for (if I remember right)
Now maybe up til now I've been trying out all those bad ones in order to be able to really appreciate the next one that for sure will be better than the last one (0:

Even though it wasn't really a boy in that sense, it was more like a man, adult, a friend, but as always I expect too much from the wrong people.

I think I've brought this up before, but I will do it again, because I don't think it can be said too many times...

People, be honest, open and treat people the way you would want to be treated.
If you need compassion and attention, you might want to give it to the ones you expect that from.

For a straight forward question answer honestly, even thought you think the answer will hurt, don't you think hiding or being secretive about it will hurt even more when it's found out?

Stupid example;

If I ask you if you eat chocolate
say yes if you do instead of lamely trying to hide it
Because when I later see you eat chocolate (having ignored everyone telling me about you eating chocolate, trusting you when you said it was an apple)it will disappoint me
Since, you eating chocolate doesn't matter to me, I wouldn't care, but the mere fact of lying about is sad, for you...
Since, if you would have told me you ate chocolate, maybe I would have told you I've been eating quite a lot of chocolate this whole time and that it really wouldn't have mattered that you did too!

A footnote would also be that considering what I've done and been through for this friend I deserve a bit more respect...

Anywho, I'm done playing whatever games and am now ready to enjoy my last months here in Sweden, started out this weekend and will try to keep on going

Seeing people I love and start seeing people I've been wanting to see, if I'm not too shy that is... haha... haven't done that in a while
I'm nervous!

First of all I need to get over this freaking cold of mine
Hit me like a train on saturday, woke up with a fever, soar throat and a runny nose, and wouldn't say it's been getting much better since.
The fever comes and goes, well... goes during the days and comes back like a nice little friend every night!

Otherwise I've pretty much organized all the school work that needs to be done in my head, that does not mean I will end up doing it exactly as planned but it feels feasible now, difficult and almost physically impossible, but that's only almost! (0:

Now I will continue enjoying mon nez and ma fievre

Bisous a tous et bonne nuit!

All I want

Thursday I get "fin besök" as we would say in Swedish... -nice visit-translated into english, Saauunn, or more correctly written, Mr. Sean is making a stop here in wonderful Sweden.

I'm sure he will be amazed by the beautiful nature & women, the extraordinary expensive alcohol, awesome weather and the eventful city of Jönköping!
I'm very much excited about the visit, first foreign friend to ever see me in my "true habitat" haha...

But before Sir. Tompkins arrival I have a few things to work out, for example;

¤ Finish the Strategy & Technology homework for tomorrow
¤ Finish the SWOT and PESTLE analysis' of the construction industry
¤ Look over the changes I need to do in the Statistics lab report
¤ Read the Micro chapter for the assignment
¤ Answer the questions for the Micro Assignment
¤ Preferably study a bit of Management Accounting
¤ Do laundry
¤ Find a cheap rental car place
¤ Clean my room
and most importantly...
¤ Go enjoy the free food at the international day tomorrow! (0:

Anywho, figured out that being irritated lately has to do with my lack of seeing the obvious... or not so obvious (and there we go again... aarrggghh)

It's 4 a.m, should get up at 9 a.m to start the busy day...

I end the day with the nice little christmas song Lina & I heard in the cab last week! I like christmas! (0:



Oh, and for your information guapo, today it was 1 month... maybe you didn't think about it, but I did...

PUSS a todos

A deep breath...

I trust very few people

When I was younger I thought everyone meant well, that people didn't lie or hide things
Growing up you learn that most people do lie but that close friends and family can be trusted
Because what is the purpose with lying to them?

Maybe I've been unlucky, maybe I trusted the wrong people
Because at some point everyone I ever had trusted let me down, but as with everything else you move on...

I learned my lesson

So when starting over with life I tried to be a bit more selective with the people I trust and rely on
I thought I was a pretty good judge of character, to some extent I was, I have some awesome people around me that I know are there for me

BUT obviously I'm not yet an expert and managed to get really disappointed with a couple of them

I don't like when people hide things from me
*Don't make me believe things that aren't there
*Don't make up things just because you think it hurts less
- because the truth ALWAYS comes out, and then you hurt ppl even more!

I can't even explain how much it hurts

Because when I care for someone, I would do anything for them
Even though I might be far away or I might even not show it all the time, but the few people I care about mean everything to me, I truly love them as friends
so when someone hurts me it breaks my heart



But as always I'm too much of a coward to even bring it up... I write about it instead

Even though I might be angry, sad and disappointed I'm truly happy and feel extremely lucky to have been able to see my entire family this past weekend.
Not only did I spend time with my mom, my dad came with Bettina, Bettina and Maria, and even though the mood might not have been on top it was nice being with people that knows me and takes me for who I am!






Also Bettina brought me the vitamin E oil she bought in Panama...
AWESOME, I already started using it
I'm very excited my scars will go away, because hopefully the memories will have a better chance fading if I don't have a constant reminder about what happened in the past!

Anyways, lucky me I've got so much stuff in school right now I can try to bury myself in books instead

This week has started with A LOT of ethics, some Strategy & Technology analysis and a very tiny bit of Management Accounting; which I'm certain there will be more of

So off I go to bed now... But just so you know
*I love you, and I'll always be there for you... I'll never forget you*

flashbacks...

I want to forget...

I can't forget

Everywhere there's something that remind me of what was there, of what could have been...

Why?

Why was this decided to be the best option?

Can I change my mind? Because I think I don't agree

Why didn't I just stand for what I thought and believed in?

Maybe it felt like the right choice at that point in time, but I'm certain nothing would have been regretted a year or 2 from now

Can I just please have another shot at this?

Because I'm sure I would do the right thing this time

I put the blame on you which in the end comes back to me...
- But I would have been ok with hating you, thou now I have to live with hating myself...

Maybe just one more shot?

Because if this would have been the right choice I wouldn't have troubles sleeping, I wouldn't need help to sleep, to get through the days, I wouldn't feel so lost, empty

So I know it was wrong, isn't that good enough to get a new chance? If I understood?

I still can't believe it thou, and when I realize what I did I'm ashamed of myself, and of you... you should have known better

I close my eyes and I can see it, it's there... every single time, to remind me

The feeling will always be there, but you don't know what I'm talking about, because it wasn't necessary

Every day I think about how things could have been, what it would be like

Maybe if we just go back in time for a while... I promise to do it right this time



Can you forget?

Do you want to forget?

I think I do but then I realize I want to remember, it would be even more shameful if I forgot... inhuman... cold... scary

but if we remember can we remember together, because I would like that I think

I want to move on, but I don't know how hard it will be, maybe too hard

How do you move on?

- The first song was played on my very much beloved aunties funeral.
It's a very beautiful song called - "I borrowed an angel"

Living in English in Sweden...

In August last year I moved back to Sweden after having been abroad for 6 years more or less.

While living in France I dreamed, thought in and spoke french most of the time.
While in London I spoke, thought in and dreamed in English.
Now that I'm back in Sweden I still do all that in English. Or actually it depends a little bit on what I'm thinking about:
When I think about my mom or something related to my old life in Sweden I think in Swedish.
Everyday stuff: English
Anything remotely related to France: French
*Which makes my brain incredibly confused when I see that picture, it is in Paris but with my sister with whom I speak English*
I've noticed that if I wouldn't be working I wouldn't be using my Swedish except for maybe giving directions or in a store.

It's rather weird how non-Swedish I feel, and after a fika with some of my closest friends today I was reminded that I'm not considered a swede by any of them.

Our discussions are quite funny actually. We will sit there, talk about life, which at the moment is in Sweden and we will be talking about Sweden or Swedish people as if thou I'm not Swedish, and when I realize we are insulting me they reassure me by saying that I'm not Swedish. And we will go throu this almost every time we meet up.

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Sweden, it's a very nice country, social benefits, equality, rather safe.
I just don't like how Swedish people act, with strangers as well as with friends.
We don't get along the swedes and I, they're not too fond of me as I'm not awesomely impressed by them.
Of course I'm not talking about all Swedish people, I'm talking about the stereotype, which would be what the majority of the population consist of.

It's difficult to explain to someone who doesn't know them, about as difficult as it is to explain it to them!
Close-minded, racists(or to be correct: smyg-rasister)because of course "we" don't want to offend anyone!!
Try to become friends with a swede (now I'm talking about how it is in Uni) without involving alcohol, IMPOSSIBLE!!aahhhrrrgghhh!!! Annoying...

Anywho... haha... I just need to be bitter about something!

Found a song that is scarily accurate with my life



I know it is in Swedish, ironic! haha...
For you who don't understand she sings about how she's 26 (I'm almost there), living in a second-hand (maybe that doesn't work in English)rented flat, how she's got nothing to do, no fun, no friends, a smoker etc. etc.
Well, maybe doesn't fit in THAT well, but sometimes it feels as if thou it's perfect!
You can always google translate the lyrics if you feel like it, cus I wont translate all that!

Tomorrow will be a long long day... classes start at 9, got a break between 12-13 when I'm meeting up with some ppl, got another class at 13 and a class again at 15 til 17... then I've got an hour between work, gotta try to fit a fika there too!! haha.. and on top of that we've got a homework for Wednesday as well as an exam in a week or two!

Well... bitching is over for today, needed to get some things out! (0:

PUSS på er!

La voix grave

Yesterday I worked, and while walking around looking busy, serving people that already have taken in a bit too much alcohol and enjoying the music in Sliver I was thinking about how great some of my friends are.

This week I realized how much I really appreciate them.

The few that were updated on my health problems were there when I really needed them, and are still there when it's though, because it always will be.
The ones that didn't know are amazing at making me forget, if only a few minutes, those minutes are awesome for me!

People need people. Very easy, now it becomes a bit more complicated when you feel depressed.
When you are depressed or down you push people away, even your closest friends, in order to sit and feel sorry for yourself

(don't get upset, I've been depressed, I know what I'm talking about, and you do feel sorry for yourself)

And as you sit there alone and feel that you have the worst situation ever and that no one understands you, your friends live their lives, and if you don't let them in yours they will move on.
It's as easy as that, sad and horrible but true.
Anywho I bring this up because it happened to me a few years back and because of this I made sure not to go down that road again. I made sure not to go "down", because when you are there, and have isolated yourself from everyone you can't get back up by yourself.
And that's when you realize your options are pretty sucky:

well I will not go into that today, it's pretty though shit!

SO! I know I'm not the best person to keep in touch with everyone and meeting up. But that doesn't mean that I don't care, and I try to show that when we do meet up.

Love u all!

PUSS



(Of course I mean more friends than the ones on the pictures, it would just take a lot of space!)

... so the story goes

I love feeling completely relaxed after a good few days of studying.

It feels very good to be back in the real world.
Been studying and fixing with papers and the accreditation of classes for my exchange the whole week.
So administrative papers, one assignment and a homework later I feel extremely satisfied, of course it could have been done in another way and most likely better, but I did the best out of the situation I was in and hopefully it pays off!!

Had a very productive day otherwise.
I finally got my little pink cheeks to the hairdresser to get my hair done - oh lord, it was really starting to look horrible!
Figured out and corrected the assignment
Met a lot of friends, with whom I enjoyed the sweet concept of after-work!
Went shopping... ahah... life life...



Only less awesome part of the day was the hour or so in between the hairdresser and the project deadline... it was weird...
I hate when things change, as you might know if you've been sneaking around here before, and I especially hate when good things change into bad for, according to me, a not very thought-through reason, or maybe it is, who am I to juge!?

Anywho... I liked it before, it was nice, made me incredibly happy and I was always looking forward to it...
today it was just like...
ähhhh...
even considered canceling cus I don't like doing things I don't have to do that don't make me feel better...
but I've missed it or, I miss it... so I went... and I will try to do it again and again until my brain accepts it's "over".
Cus even thou I thought it was the perfect situation it might not have been, because, again who am I to decide?!
Just because something is good for me or because I enjoy it, does not mean it is the optimal option for, for example you.

Oh well... You can't always have everything the way you want it right!

And when I think about it, and this is the worse part...

I'm like that too!!!

Twice the work load and a little bit more!

University in Sweden isn't too demanding.
Up til now we've had only a few lectures a week, so most of the time is free, given to you by the school in order for you to study by yourself.

We're supposed to study 8h per day...and the days we have classes? Well, those hours are of course included in the 8h of studying required.
I don't think I know a single person here in Jönköping, or studying in Sweden for that matter, that studies that much.
Most of the people I know don't even go to all the lectures as they are not compulsory.

In the beginning of each quarter, when we start with new classes, I think most students decide that it is necessary to change; instead of sitting 24/7 the week before the exams, maybe it would be smarter to actually study a bit everyday!
But we never do, or perhaps we keep it up for about a week... to brag a bit I did keep it up for a while last quarter, I was up to date in every single class at one point!!
And I'm incredibly proud about that!

I'm writing about this as we today started a new quarter, and as always I'm making plans in my head I know I wont keep.
But at least I ordered my course books, and studied for about an hour in total... which does not include the 2h30 lecture we had today (making a total of 3h30, not bad!!!).

On the other hand I spent 2h eating waffles with Maz and Yulia, had dinner with Cassia, Carlos and Justus for about an hour (adding my eating time up to about the same amount of time I studied)...
Pretty sad yet a very good example of the life of an average student in Jönköping!

Anywho, got 5 exams this quarter (the normal is 2) so I need to get serious, otherwise I wont be able to go abroad in my second exchange semester, and god forbid I will have to stay in this sad sad sad city anymore than required by the school (5 months in spring 2011).
I've got 5 exams as I'm taking an extra class and well, two re-exams... taking into consideration that I'm taking 3 classes and that all three of them have a lot of lectures my schedule is gonna be pretty shitty. BUT it's only for another 3½ months and then...
I'M GONE! OFF... AWAY... *Même si j'aurais préférée rester avec toi guapo*

to a warmer freakin' country, to save money and to learn a lot of new things... mostly about life, but a bit about business administration, economics and spanish too! haha

Off to bed now!

Des gros bisous a tous!

Productiveness

Today was an awesome day!
Actually managed to get things done; got my whole application form for Turkey filled out, also handed in the scholarship application, listened to one lecture and a half of ethics. Nice nice!

Gotta get to bed now thou... found this in a friends note on fb, it's pretty accurate so i felt it should be shared! The music suits the mood pretty well so, listen and read!!!



When a girl bumps into your arm
while walking she wants
you to hold her hand

When she wants a hug
she will just stand there

When u break a girls heart,
she still feels it when
u run into each other 3 years later

When a girl is quiet,
millions of things are running through her
mind.

When a girl is not arguing,
she is thinking deeply.

When a girl looks at you with eyes full of
questions,
she is wondering how long you will be
around.

When a girl answers, "I'm fine, " after a
few seconds,
she is not at all fine.

When a girl stares at you,
she is wondering why you are so
wonderful

When a girl lays her head on your chest,
she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a girl says that she can't live
without you,
she has made up her mind that you are
her future.

When a girl says, "I miss you, "
no one in this world can miss you more
than that

When a girl is mean to you after a breakup
she wants you back, but she's
scared she'll get hurt and knows
you're gone forever or just for the time being

Besos and bisous!

Sweet like candy to my soul!

If you could be anyone else in the world who would it be?

A question most people have been asked many times. Every time someone asks me this question I try to come up with someone who seemed to have an exciting life but yet is very down to earth.
Considering the fact that we usually try to come up with a celebrity or someone who did something that impressed us, we usually don't really know them, or we don't know them at all to be honest.

So during my walk today, which btw was awesome: the weather here in Jönköping has been amazing, I was trying to think about who I would have liked to be if I wasn't myself... and I came to the very simple conclusion that I only want to be myself!

Don't get me wrong, it would have been awesome being born to a rich family in some exotic country, but when you think about it...

Sweden was a great country to grow up in.
At least back in the day when I was young Sweden was safe, I don't think I ever was scared about anything seriously worse than a ghost growing up...
well to be honest once I became incredibly scared that the fires in Australia would spread and come burn my house down, but then my grams' showed me it was an island... I felt much safer then!

And the biggest problem as a teenager in Västerås was how to get a hold of alcohol, we all had the money to get alcohol as the government actually pays us to go to school, but if you didn't have an older sibling or a could steal some from your parents alcohol was almost impossible to get.

From Västerås I went to Paris, going from living in a 130 000 ppl city to a city with more habitants than Sweden was pretty impressive...
I learned the language, the culture, went to uni, worked, got friends, a boyfriend... Moving to another country is awesome, and to have been given to possibility to move to Paris with my dad was amazing.
You get a whole new perspective on life when you see and live in another culture.

However awesome Paris was I ended up in Sweden again... pretty much a grey zone. Don't remember much, and then I was moved to London.

London vs. Paris... I think it depends on which city you've been in for the longest time first. I love Paris and don't think London is even comparable to its awesomeness!!
Anywho, London thought me so many things too. I wouldn't change that time for anything in the world. I met some incredible people, some less incredible people, but as all people that you encounter in your life, whether you like it or not, they teach you something.

So when you think about it... I've lived in some pretty amazing places. But I have to say that the place that so far has made the most impact on my personality is Jönköping.

Here I accepted that I'd have to move on, I emotionally moved on and would even go so far as saying that I've lately realized I'm over it. I will never forget or forgive... but I'm not bitter anymore, which if you are aware of what I'm talking about is HUGE!
Jönköping is also where I've learned how life in Sweden really is. Growing up you don't really realize how society works, and well, as I moved when I was 18 I never really learned how things work here.
For example: How the hell do you pay a bill in Sweden!?
or When you are moving out from your flat which contracts you have to cancel. (Had to learn that one the hard way, with an electricity bill of £200, electricity I'd never used)

It also made me realize that I do not fit in here. I've become too much of a non-swede to ever really be able to melt into society here! Which is fine with me!

Anywho another place that had an enormous impact on me is Panama. I will not start on that one though, it would take forever... maybe another day!

So... summing all these factors up I realized... I wouldn't want to be anyone but myself.
Because I would never have learned what I know today, I wouldn't know that you need to cancel the electricity when you move out from a flat in Sweden while when you move in you do not have to do anything, the bill just turns up!

Everything that has happened to me, both good and bad, has shaped me into the person that I am today, and while some people would call me bitchy, rude, cold or stupid I know that I'm not, and most importantly my friends know I'm not.

Question is how Turkey will change me... hopefully I will continue to improve... maybe I will start listening to myself and learn from my mistakes!

Now on to laundry and then I'm gonna go pick up Carlos at the station, he's coming back from Denmark.
And tomorrow... I'll start making the improvements on myself and my life that I wanted to do.

Puss and kisses a todos!

Amazingly awesome...

I just got back from an awesome two hour walk
Jack, Dave, Carla, Camille and the rest of the guys accompanied me the whole way...

Last night when I, as habit has it now, couldn't sleep I transferred some music to my phone, haven't had music "on the go" available for a while, for the simple reason that the equipment was lost and I've been too lazy to get new stuff!

Anywho, I've missed music. Usually I always listen to music, and after having rediscovered it I do not understand why I stopped!?!

Each song has a specific memory attached to it, all good, amazing actually... But I have to admit that the impact of some of the songs was pretty intense.

Re:Stacks with Bon Iver just took me right back to my room, January, snow, friends and Mr. Jack. Made me remember what an awesome time we used to have doing nothing. As Carlos reminded me about the other day, I was so happy back then.

This summer me and my summer romances listened a lot to the Kings of Leon, and while Closer reminds me of both of them, Use Somebody reminds me only of Pernilla, Knocked Up featuring Lykke Li reminds me of the other romance, as the person always listened to it.
I've been telling people that I was bored this summer and maybe it wasn't the most exciting summer - travel wise, but when it comes to good company and adventures it was amazing, at least to a start, and maybe that's why, while Use Somebody and Knocked Up made me smile, Closer made me remember the last part... which was a tad messy - People leaving and disappearing!

While listening to the amazing Dave Matthews Band I couldn't stop thinking about Pollo - Mi amor de toujours!
I still remember when he sent me Two Step on MSN, he said I had to listen to it because they say my name in it! It was back in -02 or -03.
Made me realize how much I miss him... we used to talk all the time, but as I'm more or less hiding on MSN we hardly ever do it anymore! Something that I from monday and onwards will try to change!

The of course, good old Jack! Awww... Panama, January 2007, Nicole's beach house... Carla, Bettina, Nicole and LG... god I miss it, and I miss them. Friends... I really need to get better at keeping in touch with the ones I truly care about!

Conclusion to this babbling is that I'm in love with music... it makes me dream about what could have been and makes me remember the good and awesome moments I've had!

Anywho... Also brought my camera with me today.
One day I will stop shopping clothes and save up to buy a real freakin camera!
God, it was good being out and looking around the way you do when you have your camera with you, the smallest things become so clear and the most boring things interesting.
Sadly I ran out of battery when I got to the good part of the walk, so the majority of the time I just tried to make myself remember things I want to go back to with my camera.

Now I'm gonna keep on dreaming for a while before having to change my darlings to an old american fu*k - I'm listening to all the ethics lectures I missed! Not the most interesting thing to do on a saturday night but since I've been sick I didn't feel well enough to go back to serving drunk ppl and I do not feel like partying!

Also it keeps me from remembering the unforgettable, if that is possible, at least it takes my mind of it for a while...

Puss and Besos everyone

Il y a quelqu'un qui m'a dit...

...que tu m'aimes encore!

Fabulous song by Mme Sarkozy, Carla Bruni.

Lately I've realized I was madly and deeply in love with someone, but because of my actions it is over, and will never be possible.
Feels weird to have been so so close to someone, share all those moments with them... and now it's no longer possible. It's not there... gone.

I didn't want it to go, but as always, you realize how you really feel about something or someone when it's gone.

Because of my awesome little unexpected crush I've fallen behind in school, been away and upset, but it would have been worth it.

I'm a huge fan of explanations, I like it when things are explained to me in order for me to be able to understand and work through them.
But this time I have no explanation... it's bizarre how life works sometimes.

How do you get over someone without a break-up or any type of ending with an explanation!? How do you get through or over someone when all of a sudden the situation changes and you don't understand?

I never wanted to fall in love, I thought I wouldn't, I was actually sure I was stronger than that.
Now reality has hit me, hard, in the face once again, haha... should be used to it by now.

Oh well, now there's nothing else to do than to accept the situation and move on. I will never forget, but as time passes it will get easier.

So on Monday I will start doing something with my life again... making phone calls, getting my hair done, handing in papers etc.
I was kinda hoping for the situation to go back to how it was before everything happened, but it seems as if though that isn't possible either, people playing hard to get and situations have changed )0:
But soon it's over... off to a new country, new people and a new environment.

I really need it!

*jamais je t'oublirais*

PUSS and Bisous a tous!

The art of fucking up...

It's actually more difficult than people imagine to fuck up...
I have a tendency of doing so fairly often to be honest, I know what is best for me, I know what not to do... or what to do, but I just, for some amazing reason, do the opposite!!

It's quit amazing when, after having fucked up, I think about it...

This time it's on a different level thou...

Gotta suck up the consequences... there's the hard way or the harder way... there's never an easy way out of fucking up...

Haven't really decided yet, we'll see how it goes... gotta go with the heart on this one... do know where it's at thou...

Anywho... had a bit of drama this morning when I realized dear Mr. Jack have been spreadin pretty false rumors about me n our break-up... that sucks... mostly for him thou... he'll learn with time that there's no purpose...

Cus as I said... certain things you just gotta suck them up, however difficult it is... stand for what is done n deal with the consequences in the best (most honest) way...

Today's photo will be one of Helena, Angelina and I... with, as always, an underlying message or purpose... wont tell you this time thou!

Classes

Moving on is difficult, forgetting or just living with yours and others decisions is even more difficult...

So today my classes in learning how to accept mine and others decisions started.
One very intense hour during which I went through most feelings, from happiness to sadness.
Had to answer some questions that made me think, still can't get them out of my head, couldn't answer them, still can't.

But then isn't that what the concept of classes and learning is about... perhaps after next weeks class I will be able to answer some parts of the questions, hopefully I will be able to answer the questions with more than "I don't know".

Hadn't been that honest in a while... felt pretty weird, but mostly sad...
thinking about all that shit again...

Isn't it amazing how the human mind suppresses certain information to the back of your brain, from where it's always on your mind without you actually realizing it, you hide the feelings coming from those memories with excuses, excuses to be angry, sad or you simply hide them by acting happy...

Because pretending to be happy is easier than showing your true feelings sometimes!

I've decided to be a good student thou... just need to get some other stuff of my mind in order to keep up with the new-old stuff! (0:

Anywho, to finish this one off, dealing with issues is difficult, like winning over your dad in arm wrestling... only possible if you get help!

This is for you... enjoy it, listen to it and remember me! (0:

A feeling...

It's like you're choking
A chest pain
Heavy, like a ton of stone on your chest
You can't catch your breath
You try, but It wont happen

The heart beats so hard, but not in it's normal rhythm, it's more like a regular

boom, boom, boom..

You can feel it all through your body,
There's tension, you can't relax
Everything scares you, even the slightest noise makes you jump, cus you are frighten to death... even thou you don't know why!

Boom, boom, boom...

Concentrating is impossible, the weight is too heavy and the heart beats too loud
You try to concentrate on other things, but your mind slips back, back into the darkness, into what you can't explain

Boom, Boom, Boom...

The memories makes you want to cry
but you can't... cus you concentrate on breating, on smiling, on giving them what they expect; a smile, being funny, acting stupid or listening to their stories...

But all you want to do is go away... just disappear..

It's heavy
It's constant
It's something I wish for no one else to ever experience
It's anxiety


... for some they work, for me they didn't...

I try to smile n laugh, as on the photo... it's mostly a way to try to convince my brain I'm happy...

Boom, Boom, Boom...

Hopefully that works

Honesty

As everyone knows it's important to be honest to the people around you, what most people forget thou is to be honest to themselves...

I know that I always forget about that
I usually end up doing things that I know are bad for me in some way, I try to tell myself that it's a good thing, that it will make me feel good, but somewhere there, in the back of my mind, I know, more than well, that it isn't and that it will just hurt me in some way.

Procrastinating is one of many examples of when I lie to myself, either I tell myself it will get better with time, or that I will do it later... but you know what, it wont, and I know that...

I've learned the hard way that it doesn't get better with time, yep yep (ding dong *wake up call*), it gets worse, a lot worse, more hurt feelings, disappointment and anxiety.
So nowadays, when it comes to issues with people at least, I try (emphasizing on try)to be honest to the other person, but most importantly to myself, I try to show and say what I feel about something as soon as possible, as letting them wait or to lead them on hurts both them and me way more than opening up straight away!

Another lesson learned as the years passes by, is to listen to what my friends have to tell me... they might have experiences that I can take advantage of, learn from...

Lately I've had many looong and intense talks with my friends about various things... and, to be honest, in the beginning I didn't really listen to them, well I did, but I told myself I could handle it, knowing that I couldn't...
It took a facebook msg for me to really see it, to listen, to trust them and to be honest to myself.

People lie to themselves about the shittiest things, among my family and friends there are lies about;

- Addiction
- Food
- Depression
- Anger
- Self confidence
- Relationships

The list is long, and the difficult part is that it's almost impossible to get through to someone lying to themselves, I will, for example, never be able to help the person with an alcohol addiction, at least not until the person realizes they have an addiction, when they stop lying to themselves.

We get stuck in lies just because it's comfortable, it's some kinda zone that is safe...
I had that kind of safe zone some years back, a depression, and I honestly didn't want to get through it, because it was safe, it was easy, and to get out of it I had to fight, and change things...

Changing things sucks, just look at me now, I have a(nother) safe zone, not really trying to get out of it, it makes me feel pretty crappy, but then on the other hand, stepping out of this zone would be waaayy too much work for little me right now...
so I stay in it...
feeling the happiest possible at the moment...
so I continue to lie to myself.

It is changing thou... slowly...
but at least it's changing...

I'm just glad I got out of the worse comfort zones I ever had... the crappy relationship and the depression...

A step to happiness!!! You should all take it, instead of being comfortable, step out of the bubble, it will be a bit blurry in the beginning, but you know what... it's soooo much brighter on the other side!

Be honest to yourselves!

PUSS

Btw, to make myself happy... I printed my photos (as you can see in the photo), I love it!

Cravings...

When someone asks you where you want to go to have lunch, which place are you most likely to think of?
Of course a place that is too far away, or a type of food that is no where near to be found where you are...

Isn't it always like that? That you want what you can't have!
I'm the queen of that concept, I'm constantly craving Burger King, just because there isn't any where I live, when I'm near a Burger King, on the other hand, I crave Friday's, my mom's meatballs or patacones...

It's a freaky how this actually goes for everything about me.

With guys, oh lord, how it fits just perfectly when it comes to me and my boys... since I was engaged I haven't been in a single relationship,dating (or whatever you call it) where there for sure is a future, either I go for the exchange student who's leaving in a month, or for the one that it obviously wouldn't work with, the list goes on... it's quite long actually! Oopsie.... (0:

I've been trying to figure out why we all do this, because I'm certain we all do it to some extent at least.
We let our mind fly away to some kind of pink little cloudy space where small rabbits runs around and where (in my case) there's a Burger King... the problem is that when we've put an end to our little power-dream we become disappointed.

I don't handle disappointment well, I become angry, start randomly cursing and storm off, which some friends have experienced lately, there's just too many things I want but can't have, pretty frustrating!

Anywho, perhaps it's a way for the mind to prepare for worse let downs, or just to teach you one of those famous life lessons...
I'd go for life lessons, well might not really fit with the Burger King issue, thou perhaps my lesson would be to move to a city which actually is big enough for one!
It certainly fits in when it comes to guys, school, etc.

I love dreaming, and won't stop, one day I will get what I want, and not only among my pink little clouds!
I will most likely get shot down a few more times, but it doesn't matter, cus when you get back up you feel stronger and happier! AND, even thou you most of the time learn something that you shouldn't do there's always something positive too.

So I try, when I can't have something, to kinda see it as something I can learn from... I might not be able to live in Paris now, but if I work hard, and make the right choices I will be able to! It's just a question about time and patience!

Right now I want:
Burger King (0:
Be in Panama with the rest of my family
Live in Paris
Be in London with Pernilla
Buy a cool camera
Go shopping
For the waiting to be stopped
Drive around in my awesome Cayenne (impossible as I have either car or license)
... well the list is long...

But I'm still happy, cus not having these things make me stronger, and gives me incentives to keep on going until the list is empty!

Ta douleur...

"Ta Douleur"

[I know you're suffering, but trust me, I'm gonna take away your pain.]

Lève toi c'est décidé
laisse moi te remplacer
je vais prendre ta douleur

Doucement sans faire de bruit
comme on réveille la pluie
je vais prendre ta douleur

Stand up/wake up, it’s decided

Let me take your place

I will take your pain

Gently without making any noise

Like you’d wake up the rain

I will take your pain

I've gotten to love this song and the message it transmits.

Most of the times I wish I could say that to a friend who is in pain, but sometimes I secretly hope someone would do the same for me.

Anywho, to continue my sudden interest in music, today during my study session, this song of Kings of Convenience started playing, had completely forgotten having added it to my awesome Spotify play list, anyways,I started missing what, in some twisted way, I still view as my home, Paris.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oll6UfK6iUg

So while listening to this song I started missing...

My awesomely uncomfortable and bumpy bed (but at least it was mine)

My grandfathers old, super cool bike with a McDonald's seat belt-thingie

My apartment, small yet perfect, except for the green walls n matching carpet

The air in Paris, it's different, all polluted but with a million different smells from the bakeries, flower shops etc.

Monoprix, my supermarket, where I used to go everyday just because, I never really needed anything thou...

The Tabac/café just down my house, the owner always called me "la petite" and made jokes I never got!

The metro, it stinks, is warm, crowded and shitty, but it serves its purpose... La ligne 9!!!

Maya, Lorrena, Audrey, Marie, Thomas, Max, Zoher, Redwan, Marianne, Laure and Vincent among many, with whom I've lost contact

La Fnac, the best freakin' store ever, they have a shit load of books, n I love books...

Our Pizzeria, the best pizzas in Boulogne, not even close to crappy swedish "pizzerias"

Le 72, best freakin bus in Paris, takes you exactly where you want to go passing by the best places

My washing machine, no need to book times which you forget about anyways!!!

The food, des salades de chevre chaude, du poulet rôti, n'importe quel fromage avec une baguette chaude, les pâtes, les eclaires au chocolat... lord I could go on forever...

My conclusion after having stopped studying to listening to the song is that I'm not at all ready to go back there...

For me it's still home, not the home I was borned into but the home I created and worked hard for, it was my life.

I miss it all the time, but this is my life now, and I have to create a new "home", which I will have to work hard for, that's how life works... deep inside I don't want to do that, I want to go back, continue where it was left...

But the reason I wont be able to go back is because things have changed. My bed doesn't excist any more, the washing machine is used by someone else, and the bar down my house wont be the bar down my house... So i prefer to stay here, where I can miss and remember without having to go back to realise everything has changed.

Wow, a bit confusing...

The somewhat confusing conclusion is that things in your life changes (Todo se Transforma as the wise Jorge Drexler sings);

where you live, your job, your relationship... go with the changes instead of getting stuck in trying to keep what was there, because when it's gone it's gone... it will never be the same! It's one of the most difficult things a person will have to do, because we tend to remember the good parts, but what you have to remember is that there's a reason for the changes and well, it's changed...

Try to do the best out of the new situation...

Just aim for happiness... that's should be everyones goal in life!

Trying to follow my own, very very wise words (0: I will continue studying, because that's what I do now... being a student instead of what I was...

Btw, that was the view from my place...

Bisous